Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
