3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
