I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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