god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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