So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
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Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
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you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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