just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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