I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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