Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
