she looked like the before picture.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
