Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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