Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
