We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
