a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
