so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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