he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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