so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
