Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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