Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
