Umm I'm too high to move.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
