So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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