i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
