any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
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frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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