just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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