oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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