Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
