I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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