I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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