I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
