i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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