Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Couch. On fire.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
