cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
