if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
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