do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
