The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Quick, to the slutcave!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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