My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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