i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I know her cup size but not her name....
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
