I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Pooping to opera.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
