We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
