Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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