oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
