the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
