Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
