Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
