I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
