Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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