I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
