i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
