Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
