I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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