I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's rum buckets o'clock
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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