Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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