am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
