That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
