I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
