In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
