ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
