Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
