Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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