Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
