Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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