sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
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The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
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I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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