I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
